Things That Make You Go Hmmmm

I have worked for many years in print media prior to becoming a network consultant, and I still enjoy the occasional, "what were you thinking?" moments in advertising.

It is election time here in NC for local municipalities and to the right is an example of one of those moments. Personally I don't want my mayor to be roasted to a golden brown, but apparently the staff for Mr. Brown does.

Here's to hoping Mr. Brown does not become well done during his election campaign.

Cherish Yesterday - Dream Tomorrow - Live Today

This segment has been by far the hardest to write. Two months have gone by since I started this series and each time I get ready to sit and write, the words just don't seem to flow. The emotion seems weak and the passion unreachable.

In these last two months we have lost a dear member of our family. He was an honorable man who God blessed with a quick passing. He gave closure to his son and allowed me to fill a void the passing of my own father had left behind. In his passing I feel loss, but I am not sad. I know he has done what it was he had to do and he left this existence ready to face new challenges.
A chronic illness can make a person take a harsh look at their own mortality. His passing did not cause me concern over my MS, but I think the loss and the accompanying self examination these last two months has given me the ability to write this passage.

Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow, Live Today. These three simple phrases have tremendous ramifications for life. Cherish yesterday; look back with fond nostalgia, but don't get lost in those old memories. Longing to live in a previous time is unhealthy. It creates a romantic illusion of a time remembered as one so perfect. Reality is those times are never quite as good as we remember.

Dream tomorrow; which one of us has not dreamed of doing fantastic things, living a fulfilling life, being somebody. There is nothing wrong in dreaming, but as with cherishing the past, if were not careful it can become all consuming. It becomes chasing a dream with too much passion. Wanting something we want, but what may not be what we are meant to do.

Live today; the writer knew the order of this saying was important. By cherishing yesterday, but not living in the past; we learn from our mistakes and hopefully do not allow history to repeat itself. Then we take those cherished moments and build on them with dreams of the future. Those dreams reach for heights we can achieve if we just try. Lastly though, when doing all those things, do not forget to live today. To stop and enjoy all that is in front of us. We cannot cause ourselves to last any moment past our allotted time, so we must experience what we have, which is right now. So, it is this night, this moment, this emotion that gives me the courage to write.

We are all on different journeys; people cross our path and we don't know why, or we don't even notice. I am beginning to appreciate my illness for what it is. An awakening to stop and take a slower look at my life. People tell me they are praying for me to get well, and happy when they hear I am. I really do appreciate the prayers and warm wishes. The truth for me is I am not praying to cured of my MS, but to learn from it what I must learn. I truly have an opportunity to view MS as a gift. An illness that is so random, one day I can feel like crap, but the next day not so bad. All in all, not so bad in comparison to how other illnesses affect other people. Some don't get the breaks I enjoy.

Over the years I have talked a good story. I tell people the purpose of my art is to slow down, enjoy the little things, but I really don't do it myself. I would like to convince myself I do, but the closer I look, the less I think I do. So now I am taking stock of how my MS manifests itself. I am fatigued, not as physically strong or balanced, (I fall down a lot), I don't sleep well, and I am in pain a fair amount of the time. I don't mention this for pity. On the contrary, I mention it for what it has been telling me and what I need to learn. All my symptoms are a result of perhaps not taking the time to slow down and live today. I am being forced to slow down, relax, look at the world and the things around me with a different sense of urgency. One that is not quite so urgent. All my symptoms are the exact opposite of how I have lived my life. I have lived as a candle burning brightly. So, the more I look and try to cherish yesterday, or live today, the more I realize I have been stuck in the dream for tomorrow.

Don't Count the Days, Make the Days Count.

The picture to the left describes my feelings today. I am counting the day. I took this picture in Haiti because it shows two very distinct facts. One is this man has grey hair in a country where you are middle aged at 21. He also appears to be resigned to his fate, which is how I feel some days.

The title saying, "Don't count the days, make the days count", is especially poignant for myself or anyone else suffering the roller coaster ride of MS. Your symptoms can really bring on times where you count the days. Fatigue and nausea are my two biggest enemies. I have meds to reduce their impact, but they can wear on me. Today is one of those days. I get up and feel like a bus has run over me; smile, do my injection and plan the day. Today I count the hours in the day, and wait until the work day ends so I can come home and go back to sleep. I feel frustrated, but do not surrender hope. My illness has forced me to surrender my dog Boozer as I cannot give him the attention and exercise he deserves, but I take comfort in the fact I have been able to find him what appears to be a good home. While I am sad, I know the beauty of such a random illness means tomorrow has all the potential of being a day I can make count. Hope springs eternal.

Hope is a powerful tool. It enables us to rise above the fear and drudgery and reach for a goal. Some goals are simple; others are more long ranging, but in the end my hope keeps me going. Faith walks with hope and gives my hope courage and strength. Without faith, I know I could fall into feeling sorry for myself. Faith can take many forms. It does not have to be strictly a religious phenomenon, but for me it is.

My faith has taken a strange and interesting road. I started out Baptist and practice with Presbyterians, but have beliefs that also include Buddhism. I look for the pearl of wisdom in all and reject the rigidity of my younger years. I try to look at the glass half full, not half empty even on days I count.

My hope for each day is to make the day count even when I am counting it. So here is to today, may we all make the day count in our own ways. I am trying to make this day count by bringing a smile to my face and perhaps others with my buddy Boozer.

Be the Change You Wish to See in the World

The other week we were out shopping at the farmer's market. After getting our vegetables for the week we went to the nearby garden center to poke around. Inside we found the usual items, seeds, bird houses, plants, etc. Little did we know a treasure lurked inside waiting to be found. As we were getting ready to leave we came across a rack of wood signs with various musings written on them. Four of them caught our attention and this is the first of the four. The others will follow in the upcoming entries.
"Be the change you wish to see in the world", a simple saying, but also profound.

For quite some time now, change has been a mantra spoken by everyone. No one has said what kind of change they want, but we collectively know things need to change. Politicians rant about how they are going to bring about change, but realize they are one voice and need many voices to bring about real effective change. The saying, "be the change you wish to see in the world", makes it more realistic. It is a call for each of us to take personal responsibility. To be the change we want to see.

For me, the change I want to see is an end to needless hunger, poverty, abuse and a chance for all children to achieve their dreams. A lofty dream, but one I am actively trying to achieve. A dream I have seemingly failed at numerous times by not meeting my personal goals, but if I don't at least try, nothing will change. So I take comfort in knowing I am a bit player in a very large dance. One I do not see as a spectator, or as the choreographer, but as one who sees the change I am trying to be in the world.

The Best Things in Life are not Things

I have thought for several days about what to say in regards to, "The Best Things in Life are not Things", and there were so many things to choose from. A smile from a stranger, a good belly laugh, friends, a dog wagging it's tail, (sorry I am a dog person), family, a warm sunny day, etc. Today I added a new one, seeing the end of a rainbow. I must admit, I was disappointed I didn't find the fabled pot of gold, but it was still amazing. Have you ever been to the end of a rainbow? I have only spoken to a couple other people who have witnessed it. I remember as a child the stories of the Irishman at the end with his pot of gold, and always wondered if I would ever be lucky enough to see it.

I have always enjoyed seeing rainbows and as I have grown older, I wondered if they truly did touch the ground. Seeing the end was just a far away childhood dream I thought I would never experience. On this day the dream became reality. It was raining so hard the end of the rainbow did actually touch the pavement. As I saw the possibility of reaching the end, I couldn't help but burst out with in a loud voice, sweet! As I approached it, it moved a little bit in front of me for a time and then poof, it was gone. Today I not only got to see the end, but a rainbow faintly above this, one to my left and one to my right. I had never seen so many at one time and in such a small area. I just whispered a thank-you and smiled.

The end no longer became an end, or a dream fulfilled. It became more esoteric and fulfilling and leading to even more thoughts of new beginnings rather than endings. I actually took a moment to reflect on the comment, "The Best Things in Life are not Things". So many times in my life I would think about what I had or received from the traditional consumer point of view. The "things" from my family that always had a string attached. I would like to think I have matured and moved past the consumption mentality so many of us in the U.S. face. I am trying to appreciate more things that are not things to be purchased, but still can fall under the umbrella of things. I gave a short list in the paragraph above, but there are so many more if we take time to appreciate them. I don't know how many times in the course of a day I don't take the time to enjoy a simply thing. Instead I rail against the driver in front of me going to slow, fighting the clock to get work done for my clients, rushing to finish chores at home needing to be done.

Instead of rushing, I am setting a challenge to myself to try to slow down; a New Years resolution without it being January 1st. A challenge to try to look for and enjoy more of the things that are not things. It is a challenge I hope others who read this will join with me in pursuing. For me it is hard as I feel like a candle burning brightly and try to cram as much in as I can. With MS you don't know from one day to the next how your body is going to behave. My goal is to stop using my illness as an excuse to continue on this feverish pace, but to take my time and talents and slow down.

I use my photography to try and capture some of those things I see and appreciate, and I hope to continue to bring more. I also am grateful for the time spent learning about these types of things while I was in Haiti. I have begun with baby steps. Some day I hope to progress and walk as others who are patient and enjoy the world around them. I hope to enjoy the world around us for it's simple beauty and gifts, and not those to be purchased.